Florida debate highlights GOP fears

It's the 18th Republican primary debate, so I guess we're all a little tired of talking about policy. But I wonder if those who tuned in tonight – and as the the first debate to be aired on a major network in prime time, one presumes it was a more representative audience than previous – realized something was off.

There were questions about Terri Schiavo and English-as-an-official-language, topics relevant to Florida voters … in 2005. Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney squared off on how to best encourage the private sector to colonize space (Gingrich wants to offer "prizes").

Newt said he hired "lobbying experts" specifically to ensure he did not get caught lobbying. Romney said he "connected well" with "Republicans in New Hampshire" – a great argument for his ability to connect with general election voters, but the meaning it carries for Florida voters is "I connected well with Democrats."

Ron Paul showed up in his dad's suit again, sputtering about the gold standard but occasionally veering off into CommonSenseLand: "How can you be conservative and cut food stamps, but you won't cut spending overseas?" Paul also asserted "It's not 1962" anymore – though one could argue that's only because the GOP hasn't gotten its way.

Rick Santorum speculated about the possibility that Cubans would collaborate with al-Qaida. Good thing we don't keep a lot of terrorist suspects there!

So, it was a strange debate, even by this election season's standards, right down to the way it was listed in many TV schedules: as an episode of the double-dare gross-out contest, "Fear Factor". Specifically, as my guide put it: "Leeches and Shaved Heads and Tear Gas, Oh My! – Contestants play for the grand prize of $100,000. In one dare, they dangle on a bungee line attached to a helicopter." That's as good a description of running for president in the modern age as any, I guess.

In honor of the heightened weirdness on display Monday night, I will dispense with the usual A, B, C grading system and go with some psychobabble: based on tonight's performances, what are each contestant's biggest fears?

Mitt Romney: Running into a group of low-income voters in a quiet room while carrying a copy of income tax returns. His hard-earned veneer of humanity slips each time he's forced to reckon with a set of questions most Americans deal with at least once a year.

How much do you earn? How much of it goes to the government?

While Romney assured viewers that his tax returns (the last two years released Tuesday) contained "no surprises", I think that may be the problem: all they will do is confirm that Romney is very rich. Very, very, very rich. He also said that he's "proud to pay a lot of taxes," which is not the kind of thing you expect to hear at a GOP debate.

Bonus fear: human interaction of any kind.

Newt Gingrich: Getting caught between the moon and New York City. New York being the haven of liberal elites and the moon being, well, THE MOON. I'll let Newt explain:

"But if we had a series of goals [regarding space exploration] that we were prepared to offer prizes for, there is every reason to believe you have folks in this country and around the world who would put up an amazing amount of money and would make the space coast literally hum with activity because they'd be drawn to achieve prizes."

One presumes they would, of course, be humming Christopher Cross.

Bonus fear: forgetting to mention Ronald Reagan.

Rick Santorum: having to run for state-wide office in Pennsylvania again. Although Santorum has built up a strong base of support through hard work and a genuine conservative message, the guy has a serious weak spot: he's weak. Although he hails from a strategically important swing state, he is best-known for losing re-election there. Badly: by 17 points, the largest losing margin for an incumbent Republican senator, ever.

He argued two points about the loss: first, a lot of people lost! "We lost five congressional seats and it was an historic loss in our state House. It was a meltdown year." Second, he lost because, unlike all those other people who lost, he stood for something: "A lot of folks crouch down."

Bonus fear: gays.

Ron Paul: the state, obviously. He was the only genuine small-government conservative up there, and almost every question – even the ones about English as an official language and Terri Schiavo – allowed him to prove this. He was not shy about criticizing his own party, either: "Our rhetoric is still good, but when we're in charge, we expand government."

That and his "but you won't cut spending overseas" points seemed aimed directly at Gingrich – who was weirdly conciliatory toward Paul. The latter at one point said he and the former speaker were close ideologically, except on foreign policy, which is sort of like saying they're similar physically, except Newt weighs twice as much. And carries guns and likes to shoot people.

Bonus fear: Tailors.

And if I can add another bonus fear, it would be for the GOP establishment: another nothingburger debate like this, which would only put Gingrich further along toward the nomination.