Why women won't ask for a pay rise

When was the last time you asked for a pay rise? Does the very thought bring you out in a sweat? If so, you're not alone. A 2006 survey found that while 80% of women felt underpaid, two-thirds had never asked for more money – and those who had, described it as one of the most stressful things they'd ever done. Corinne Mills, Managing Director of Personal Career Management, who provide professional advice and coaching, says, "Men don't have an issue about asking for a pay rise. They will do it as a routine. Women will do it more reactively if a disparity has been revealed – and they agonise over it more."

This wouldn't be such a problem if men and women had achieved equal pay. But 40 years after it was enshrined in law in the UK, women are still paid, on average, 17% less than men for full-time work and 39.9% less for part-time work. Last week a report by the Chartered Management Institute (CMI) warned that it would be 57 years until female managers reached equal pay with their male counterparts – the average male manager is now paid a basic salary of £41,337, while their female peers get £31,306.

Professor Marilyn Davidson, co- director of the Centre for Equality and Diversity at Work, says there are many reasons why the gender pay gap persists. One is that typical "women's work", such as cleaning and catering, has traditionally been lower paid, and another is that women are more likely to take time out from their careers to raise children. Women are also "more likely to be offered less when they start a job, which automatically puts them on a lower level", she says. Another issue is that women tend not to negotiate. When offered a rubbish deal, they typically just accept the terms. This certainly doesn't excuse the pay gap – women should automatically be paid the same wage for the same work as men, and for a company to do otherwise is illegal. But it does suggest that many would benefit from taking that first step and asking for a pay rise.

Sara Laschever, co-author of the book Why Women Don't Ask, says part of the problem is that women are brought up to be undemanding. "We like girls to be nice, pliable, pleasant, accommodating," she says, "while boys are taught to be self-promoting, to be a little tough guy. Boys are encouraged to set goals and taught how to go about reaching them; girls are taught to think about the needs of a group."

Women are wary about asking for pay rises because they are worried they will be seen as pushy – and, unfortunately, they're probably right. Laschever says women who are assertive at work are often perceived as too aggressive and are sometimes punished for it, both by male and female colleagues. "They tend to get rebuffed, and socially ostracised. Other women see this and realise it looks scary and risky to behave like them. Far better, they think, to sit tight and wait to be offered whatever it is – a promotion, pay rise, good project – rather than ask for it." But, of course, this is no way to further your career.

Studies have also highlighted that women tend to undervalue themselves. "My current research looks at the pay expectations of business students in the UK and Australia," says Davidson. "We asked two questions: what do they expect to be paid when they go into employment, and what do they deserve to earn? We found that not only do male students expect to be paid more – which is true, because they are paid more – they also think the figure they deserve to earn is more than the figure women choose. We instil in boys and men that pay is related to status and is important, but we don't tend to do that with girls." In a recent study by Friends Provident, the financial services company, 24% of women said they considered salary to be the most important factor at work, compared with 37% of men.

It is astounding how many companies still don't take notice of the law. "Under the Equal Pay Act, a woman is entitled to the same pay as someone with a comparable job who is doing 'like work'," says Chris Allen, a solicitor and managing partner of the Leeds-based firm Blacks, who specialises in employment law. He suggests a number of routes to bring your pay level up to that of your male counterparts. "You can serve an equal pay questionnaire on your employer [download it from equalities.gov.uk], and if the employer fails to respond, this can be used at an employment tribunal. Check your contract for your company's grievance procedure, and lodge a formal grievance." These are increasingly common, he says, and "very often there is a resolution." Otherwise, the next step is to take your employer to a tribunal. But before doing any of this, Allen says that an informal meeting about pay is always the best place to start.

So how should you go about it? Mills recommends first finding out what you are worth. "Look at similar advertised jobs, there are pay surveys on the internet, talk to recruitment consultants." Then pick your timing. "Do it when you've just had a really good piece of feedback, or there's a big piece of work you've done. It probably isn't the best time to ask if your company has just posted record losses, but not all companies are struggling. Also, if your company has made redundancies, chances are you're being asked to cover some of that work so you could ask for something in relation to that."

Then ask for a meeting. "It's harder to turn someone down to their face," says Mills. And make sure you know what you want to say. "You have to work up your argument. What have you brought in in terms of additional business, or improved quality?"

If you're scared of negotiation, you can learn how to do it, says Laschever. In her follow-up book, Ask For It, she developed the Negotiation Gym, a six-week self-help exercise to improve negotiation skills. "Towards the end," she says, "one of the really helpful exercises is to ask someone for something you know you will not get – so ask your boss for three weeks off in August, or ask for 50% off the price of a new washing machine. My co-author tried to negotiate the price of petrol at the service station and the man laughed at her, but she survived and this is the point – it builds your resistance to being turned down and you learn that it's not as scary as you think. Even better is to ask for something that you know will get you yelled at. It enables you to aim higher and set higher targets. Because that's the other thing: there is a direct correlation between targets and what you get. Women's targets tend to be about 30% lower than men's."

In the meeting, you just need to state your case. "Don't get emotional," says Mills. "And try not to take anything personally. If they say no, you say, 'Thanks for listening. This is going to be important to me. What can I do that will help me? When can I ask again?' Follow it up with an email, thanking them for the conversation and confirming what was said. Then you have a formal record, and in six months, you make another meeting and ask again."

Nerves can be quelled by rehearsing what you want to say with a friend but, says Mills, you need to get on with it. "You can agonise over it for months, but you just need to do it. Go in and ask. It is never as painful doing it as it is thinking about it." And you might just win.